24 Hours of Jack and the Hacksaw
by InCahootsWithTheNukes
Summary: Jack and the rest of CTU team up to save a magical land. Comedy about love, pride, integrity, and twinkies! Anyway, r and r!
1. Chapter 1

Jack Bauer skipped along the sidewalk humming to himself. Finally he had a break! He would get to spend the whole week with his wife Audrey! "Whoopee!" (**yes, Jack Bauer just said Whoopee**)

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeep. His phone rang. BOMB! Jack quickly cut the wires in his phone and looked around to see who could have planted the bomb. He chose a random kid who looked about 9.

"Drop your weapon! I said drop your weapon now!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You mean my air soft gun?" the kid shot Jack.

"Terrorist! Call a medic I have been shot!" yelled Jack.

"Hey are you a medic?" Jack asked a young boy who appeared to be the "terrorist's" friend.

"I'm a 3rd grader."

"Close enough, help me I have been shot."

Several minutes later Audrey drove up and got out of her bright pink convertible.

"Jack why are you on the ground? Why is that kid putting a band aid on your foot?"

"Oh hi Audrey," Jack stood up forgetting about his foot. "I was just on my way to our house."

"Well Buchanan called me. There is another terrorist threat and we need to help."

"NO YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO!" Jack screamed.

"I'll give you a chocolate chip cookie," said Audrey.

"NO! Wait did you say chocolate chip?"

Several minutes later Chloe O'Brian could be found practicing her looks in the mirror.

Beeeeep, beeeep. The phone rang.

Chloe did her famous scowl, she had just had a major breakthrough on a look that she hoped would make her look less mad but still like she knew what she was doing.

"What." She snapped into the phone.

"Chloe," Buchanan's voice was on the other line. "As usual we have another terrorist threat and even more common we don't have time for your personality disorders."

"Why do I even bother trying to have a life with you whining to me for help all the time?"

"What life? You were practicing your scowls in the mirror, weren't you?"

Chloe hung up the phone.

"Hello? Chloe?" Bill shrugged and hung up the phone. "She sure is cheerful isn't she." He muttered to himself.

Edgar Stiles pulled out a gun (a water gun that is) and thought how tough he must look. Whoa. He wouldn't want to double cross him if he were a terrorist. No Sir! Even Jack would be impressed if he saw him now. Boy, all this tough business was making him hungry! He waddled over to the fridge and pulled out a hamburger.

Beeeeep, Beeeeeep, Beeeeeep

"Edgar Stiles," Edgar answered the phone

"Edgar, you have been here for a long time now, you don't have to use your last name," it was Bill.

"Hey that is Chloe's line," Edgar was outraged that Bill would even think of using Chloe's line. "Make up your own line."

"Yeah you could use that advice. I know you are always trying to look like Jack with your water gun. You think you are so special, and you are. That is what I am going to call you Special Ed!"

"Why are you calling me," Edgar quickly changed the subject.

"Oh right. There is another terrorist threat. You need to come to CTU right away. (Under his breath)Special Ed."

"OK." Edgar hung up.

He looked sadly at his half eaten hamburger.

"I'm sorry," he said in a tearful voice. "I must leave you to fulfill the last wish of my poor mother that I, Edgar Stiles would always help to save the world."

After several minutes of this annoying wanna-be hero talk, Edgar finally waddled out the door, grabbing a handful of Twinkies on his way and headed to CTU.

Kim and Chase were fighting over Kim's latest blonde moment where she had put dishes in the washing machine.

"I'm telling you Kim, the clothes washer is for clothes and the dishwasher is for dishes hence the name dishwasher."

"But they both sound so alike it is hard to tell the difference."

"Why did I even marry you?" Chase was growing impatient. "You honestly have to be the stupidest person I have ever met! Somehow you manage to get kidnapped at least once every season, cause terrible things, blame them on your dad, call CTU at the most inappropriate times, and get through the day unscathed."

Beeeeep, Beeeeep

Kim answered the phone.

"Hello", she said in the ear piece.

Chase impatiently snatched the phone away from her.

"Edmonds," (he is cool enough to use his last name)

"Chase, it is Bill. I need you to drop by CTU, there is another terrorist threat."

"Good, I hate that place but I would rather get my hand chopped off than stay here with Kim," said Chase.

"You are still together? I didn't think that anyone could stay with Kim that long without going brain dead."

"Jack did," Chase pointed out.

"Yeah but he is Jack Bauer. Anyway I need you to bring Kim in too."

"What? No! She will only cause frequent disruptions," argued Chase.

"I will offer you constant protection from Jack when he has an axe."

"Fine. Oh I need to go Bill, Kim is playing with matches."

Chase and Bill hang up.

Curtis Manning was jamming at his rap club.

"Hit it funk master Curtis Manning!" said the DJ and Curtis began to beep box.

Just then a Beeeep, Beeeeeeeeeep interrupted his song. Everyone began to groan, they had been doing so well.

"What is it?" Curtis asked impatiently. "You messed up my groove man."

"What?" Bill asked.

"Oh… Um…" Curtis didn't know that the director of CTU was on the other line. "So why are you calling?"

"Uh… there is another terrorist threat and I need you to come in."

"OK, I will be there soon," said Curtis.

Normally Curtis would protest but he didn't want Bill to discover his secret passion for funky rap music.

Tony was playing x-box when:

Beeeeeeeeeep, Beeeeeeeeeep.

"Tony will you get that?" Michelle asked.

"But I just got to a new level on Guitar Hero 2."

"Get it," said Michelle in a threatening voice.

"Ttt," Tony sneered, but answered the phone.

"Yeah," Tony answered the phone.

"Tony it is Bill, there is another terrorist threat and we need you to help."

"No I quit that place and I am not coming back."

"If you don't come then I will smash your Cubs mug," said Bill.

"You don't have my Cubs mug," Tony said more to convince himself than Bill.

"Wanna bet."

Tony looked in his cupboard. It wasn't there.

"What did you do with it?"

"Nothing yet and I won't if you come back to CTU."

"If you lay and hand on it I will-"

"You will decide the fate of your mug," Bill interrupted.

"Fine I will be there."

"With Michelle?"

Tony paused.

"I am not going to endanger my wife."

"I have your mug…"

"Fine, I'll bring Michelle."


	2. Chapter 2

"Ok everyone," Bill's voice rang out through CTU as Tony and Michelle arrived. "We have just received a tip off that terrorists are planning to take over Rainbow Land."

"You mean that you made us come all the way over here on our day off to find out that terrorists are planning to take over an imaginary world?" asked Curtis angrily.

The room erupted into chaos.

"I had just come to a major breakthrough on a new look!" said Chloe.

"I was breaking it down- I mean breaking down terrorists," said Curtis.

"I was trying to teach Kim an obvious thing that a 3 year old would know." Chase said.

"I was just about to spent some quality time with Jack," said Audrey.

"I was just about to spend some quality time with Tony," said Michelle.

"I was breaking my all time record on Guitar Hero 2!" said Tony.

"Hey!" said Kim angrily. "I like rainbow land!"  
"Me too!" agreed Edgar.

Everyone stopped fighting and stared.

"What?" said Bill, Audrey, Jack, Chloe, Chase, Tony, Michelle, and Curtis.

"My kids are into it," Edgar invented wildly.

"Like you would have kids," Chloe scowled.

"Ttt- yeah."  
"It doesn't matter if we do or don't like Rainbow Land; the fact remains that we still need to help its citizens. Come on people they are a bunch of esufafas! They can't defend themselves! We must rise up and be strong. We must unite and save the butterflies and fat polar bears. We must be heroes!" said Bill.

There was a silence after Bill's speech.

"That's it I'm out," Curtis stood to leave.

"Me too," said Chloe, and several other people stood to leave.

"Wait! If you don't do it willingly, then I will sick Jack Bauer on you."

"Who said I was on your side Bill?" asked Jack.

"Nina is the terrorist threatening Rainbow Land. If you want to kill her then you will need some help from them."

"LETS GO SAVE RAINBOW LAND!" yelled Jack.

"YAAAAAA!" cheered the rest of CTU. They didn't want to save Rainbow Land but if Jack wanted them to do something, they better do it. They were going to save Rainbow Land.


	3. Chapter 3

"What did you get on the threat Chloe?" asked Bill.

It was a half hour later and Edgar, Chloe, Jack, Audrey, Chase, Curtis, Tony, Michelle, Bill, and for some reason Kim were in the conference room discussing leads.

"Mandy was seen helping Nina steal a large vat of chocolate syrup." Replied Chloe, typing on her computer.

"Who is Mandy?" asked Chase.

"The creep who captured Tony in season 4 and tried to use him to get to me," said Michelle.

"Hey, you never told me why you didn't save me," said Tony angrily.

"She was in love with me," said Bill.

"No I wasn't," argued Michelle.

"Yes you were," said Bill.

Suddenly the CTU employees broke into chaos once again except for Edgar who was eating a Twinkie and Kim who was too stupid to figure out who she should fight. The fight didn't end until Jack took out his gun and shot several innocent bystanders to prove to Curtis that violence solves everything and everyone decided that they should calm down before they got shot (proving Jack right).

"We implanted a tracker in Mandy the last time we gave her a pardon, Jack get a field team ready and Chloe do a trace on Mandy."

"Got it, she is at Santa's Workshop," said Chloe.

"We are about 5 minutes out from there," said Kim.

"You know that off the top of your head, yet you still haven't learned that you shouldn't light a match while standing in a puddle of gasoline!" said Chase in disbelief.

"This is important," Kim pointed out.

"Jack I need you to take a field team out there immediately," said Bill.

"Ok," said Jack.

Just then a random terrorist who had easily passed through security entered the conference room and shot Jack in the hand before Chase took him out.

"Ouch!" exclaimed Jack hopping on one foot for several seconds before he continued rounding up a field team as if nothing had happened.

"Doesn't your hand hurt Jack?" asked Michelle.

"Yeah, but we are suppose to pretend to recover at an impossibly fast rate."

"I still don't get why we have to do that."

"It gives the show more excitement or something, I don't have time for this, I need to go to Santa's Workshop," Jack ran out of the conference room with a team of field agents, hopped into a black SUV and headed to Santa's Workshop.


	4. Chapter 4

At Santa's Workshop, Mandy and Nina had taken over the merry go round which wasn't a bad secret lair other than the annoying music constantly playing and the whiney kids who wanted to go on the merry go round.

"Ok, we need to poison the chocolate syrup and insert it into the chocolate river in Rainbow Land, then whenever an esufafa drinks, he will die." Nina cackled evilly.

Mandy waited for the cackling to die down before she said.

"Esufafas don't drink chocolate, they eat gumdrops and why are we taking over Rainbow Land? There really isn't much of a point in taking over a land filled w/ fat polar bears and butterflies."

"Did you really think that I would tell you my reasons? But now I think I can trust you. The butterflies-"

Nina was cut off by a loud shooting sound followed by Chase's voice saying.

"Don't shoot Santa Jack! Then I might actually have to buy Kim something this year."

"Jack Bauer!" She hissed. "Quick Mandy, grab the chocolate, gummy worms, teddy bears, my gun and lets go!"

"Why do we need the teddy bears anyway?"

"So we can hug them when we get scared," Nina grabbed a random teddy bear and hugged it.

Mandy stopped and stared at Nina.

"What? Jack Bauer can be pretty scary sometimes. Now let's get going before he gets us!"

Mandy and Nina snuck out of the merry go round unnoticed by Jack as he and his team ran the opposite way with their guns held out, scaring little kids.

They had just spotted Mandy and Nina when Jack's phone rang.

"Its Kim," said Jack looking at the caller id before answering.

"Kim's probably stuck on the merry go round or something," said Tony.

Jack hung up the phone. "Kim is stuck on the merry go round," he said in a bored voice. "Chase you rescue her and we will go find Mandy and Nina."

Chase was about to argue but he decided not to because he didn't want Jack to try to shoot him in the head again so he headed over to the merry go round to try to find Kim while Jack, Tony, Curtis, and some other random field agents who will remain nameless because they are going to die in the next few hours despite their helmets chased Mandy and Nina to the haunted house.

"Mandy!" shrieked Nina as they passed a screaming skeleton. "This is getting scary!"

Mandy gave Nina a look of disgust and said.

"Why do we even pretend that you are in charge?"

Nina was just about to respond when a ghost popped out at her and all she could do was hug her teddy bear as tight as she could.

Several paces and many frightened kids later, Jack and his team were pointing their guns at anything that moved causing there to be many phony effects covered in bullet holes and many more screaming kids than usual.

"It's impossible to see anything in this place," said Jack angrily trying to find Mandy and Nina.

"Ahhh!" screamed a nameless field agent as a witch's cackle filled the air.

"Come on, be a man!" Jack shot the field agent.

"Jack you shouldn't take out our back up," said (funk master) Curtis Manning.

"Does it matter? There are going to die easily any way and this way Tony won't be heroic and give up his life for a field agent, like he did in season 4 with Mandy and that field agent who died anyway," said Jack causing Tony to do his weird glare thing and the remaining field agents to cower in fear.

"This never gets old," thought Jack, and continued to track Mandy and Nina through the maze of skeletons, ghost, witches, crocodiles, and all the other lame effects in the haunted house.

Several minutes later, Jack and his team emerged into the bright sunlight.

"We didn't find her in the haunted house or the merry go round, Chloe! Track her, where is she?"

"She is right in front of you Jack, just around the corner," Chloe did her computer geek computer thing again.

"That is impossible!" said Jack rounding the corner, "there is no one here."

Looking behind a box, Jack saw a bloody arm.

"Oh, not again! After Grudenco did that in the 6th season, you would think we would learn to implant the tracker in the head or something, it is so much easier than following the trail of blood!"

Angrily, Jack picked up the bloody arm and chucked it into the haunted house now it has at least one good effect.

"Come on Kim, jump I will catch you!" Chase was standing by the merry go round trying to save Kim who was holding onto the fake horse's neck for dear life.

"It's so scary!"

Obviously, Kim was having one of her Kim moments.

It took a long time, but finally Chase had managed to convince Kim to get off the merry go round with the promise of a visit to Santa.

"Come on Kim, we need to find Jack."

"But I want to visit Santa!" Kim wined.

"We need to help!"

"Why? Last time you tried to help, Jack tried to shoot you in the head."

"To Santa it is," said Chase quickly.

Kim smirked.


	5. Chapter 5

"Chloe! Did you get Nina and Mandy on satellite yet?" Jack yelled into his phone that never went dead or got out of range.

Chloe typed on her computer for a couple seconds before answering.

"She left a couple seconds ago, she is heading north on exit 57."

"Ok we will be right there," Jack rounded up his team, dragged Kim away from a scared looking Santa, and chased Mandy and Nina through the completely empty streets.

"Ok, a quarter mile from you she got out of her car and ran into a mall."

"Ok," Jack stopped the car at the mall parking lot and hopped out, Tony, Chase, Curtis, Kim, and the other nameless field agents followed.

Jack opened the trunk and moved aside many large guns, grenades, hacksaws, sledge hammers, wet towels, and grabbed his famous hand gun.

"Tony and Chase come with me, the rest of you maintain the perimeter."

Tony and Chase followed Jack Bauer into the mall.

"There they are!" yelled Chase.

The three of them tried to chase Mandy and Nina through the mall but the crowd kept pushing them back. Quickly Jack Bauer put on his handy gas mask. Immediately people started screaming and rushing toward the nearest exit leaving the mall empty for Jack.

It had seemed like Jack would capture Mandy and Nina but just as Chase had spotted them, Jack found a pair of shoes that he had been wanting for a very long time and by the time they had gotten out of the store, Mandy and Nina had disappeared.

Jack, Tony, and Chase reappeared outside the mall several minutes later empty handed except for a stolen pair of Sketchers.

"We couldn't find them," said Jack. "where is Kim?"

"Probably stuck in some creep's basement in the middle of the woods," said Tony.

"Actually she decided to take up smoking, unfortunately she was filling up the CTU car at the same time," Curtis look unconcerned.

Just then a big explosion came from a nearby gas station.

"There goes Kim."

**Sorry this chapter took so long to write and is so short cuz im getting major writer's block but more reviews get me too write more! So REVIEW!**


	6. Chapter 6

_Previously on 24: Jack, Tony and Chase are running with gas masks through a quickly emptying mall. Minutes later they emerge with a pair of sneakers. A nearby gas station blows up due to Kim's stupidity._

Everyone stared at the explosion for several seconds.

"Oh well," said Jack. "She was an idiot anyway."

Chase looked stunned for a minute then he remembered that there was an axe in the trunk and decided not to say anything.

Meanwhile back at CTU…

"Do you have all the names?" Bill asked Michelle.

They were in Bill's office about to draw names for the annual CTU mole.

"Yep, here they are," Michelle handed Bill all the names of the CTU employees in a hat then left the office.

Bill shook the hat and pulled out a name. What he saw on the piece of paper shocked him. NO!!! It couldn't be! But if the hat said it then it must be true. He couldn't believe that the annual CTU mole was…

Bee-bee bee-BEEP. (its hard to show how a phone rings but you all know the annoying CTU phone ring.) Michelle picked up the phone.

"Hi Michelle," it was Tony.

"Hiiiiiiii Tony!" said Michelle excitedly.

"Um could you put me through to Bill."

"Uh… ya, sure," Michelle sent the call to Bill, disappointed that Tony wasn't calling for her.

"Hi Bill, its Tony we lost Kim."

"Who did she let kidnap her this time?"

"Actually she is dead."

"Really? Did she strangle herself on the merry go round?" asked Bill.

"No, she did come pretty close though. Actually she tried smoking while filling up her car with gas and blew up."

"Ya, she had it coming," said Bill. "How many people did Jack kill when he found out?"

"None, he seemed almost happy."

"Can't exactly blame him, now we will be able to save Rainbow Land about 15.78 faster."

"Good, anyway we are all out of leads, we are coming back. We should get the in about 10 to 15 minutes depending how many people Jack has to kill for driving too slow," said Tony and he hung up the phone.

"Hey everyone," shouted Bill emerging from his office. "This is a tragic blow, but we must hide our feelings until this crisis is over. I have just received information that our very own Kim Bauer met her tragic demise in an unfortunate gas explosion."

His speech was followed by a moment of silence. Then everyone let out a cheer. Michelle turned up the tunes, Edgar began shoveling down Twinkies at an alarming rate, streamers began to fall from the ceiling and they all started dancing.

The party quickly ended when Jack Bauer and his team arrived. Jack looked around in disgust at the pile of empty twinkie rappers by Edgar and all the streamers on the floor. Deciding not to comment, he ordered a conference meeting and that some of the useless security guards clean up the mess.

Kim Bauer slowly opened her eyes. She was lying on a forest floor. The blast of the explosion rather than killing her had blasted her onto some random forest floor. She gets up and immediately begins to look for a creepo who lives alone in the forest to kidnap her.

At the White House…

Mike Novak walked down the hall and knocked on a door.

"Come in," said President Palmer (President Palmer Jr. that is, David's son. No one can come back from the grave except Jack of course).

"Mr. President, I have received a report from CTU, Bill Buchanan says that Nina Meyers and the terrorist who tried to kill your father who is known only as Mandy, are threatening Rainbow Land, what would you like to do about it?"

"I don't know, now leave me alone," President Palmer snapped.

"Yes sir."

Mike closed the door and walked down the hall toward the famous janitor's closet where all the President Palmer's get plotted against. He meets a rather shadowy looking character.

"What do you want from me?" he asked.

"I want to invoke the 25th amendment."

"Why? It is tradition that there is always a Palmer as President no matter how terrible of a president they are."

"Yes, but it is also tradition that a President Palmer gets impeached," pointed out the stranger.

"Good point."

"Now I want you to find Palmer's closest descendent so they can be president after the vice president turns out to be a terrorist and if someone disagrees with us, then push them down the stairs," instructed the stranger.

"Ok," Mike leaves the janitor's closet and walks down the hall.

**REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!**


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